...that will make me hate you.
1. Jesus fish. Hey, you're a Christian. Good for you. I play poker once a week, I guess I'll glue some chips to my car. The jesus fish alone wouldn't be so bad, if you actually drove like a Christian - if you showed some concern for your fellow man, obeyed the law, and acted with courtesy. Instead, you always end up being some over-caffeinated, bad-dye-job former nurse who gave up her job to raise her sissy kids and thus has nothing better to do after the school bus comes than to try to end my existence by careening down the street in your "crossover" while balancing a Dunkin Donuts latte as you scramble to get to TJ Maxx before those non-Christian swine beat you and get all the good scratch-and-dent Liz Claiborne bags. If only your Purpose-Driven Life book actually included a chapter on DRIVING.
2. NASCAR numerals of your favorite driver. Seriously? It's not a sport. It's corporate money turning left for three hours. To each his own, but for some reason these stickers can never just be a sticker. They have the magical ability to make every swinging Richard with a rusted-out Silverado and some flowmasters think he's actually driving a racecar. If only the horrifying one-car crashes were so frequent...
3. Anti-abortion stickers. We've all seen these. "It's a life, not a choice" or "What part of THOU SHALT NOT KILL don't you get?" or my personal favorite "U can't B Catholic and B Pro-Choice." Cars are a means of conveyance. They are meant to convey YOU, not to convey your beliefs about an issue that, let's face it, isn't REALLY an issue anymore. It's done. Barring the entire Supreme Court being wiped out in an avalanche, Roe v. Wade is as certain as seeing a Wilford Brimley "I have diabetus" ad during the Price Is Right. If you spent a little more time worrying about your own life, and not so much worrying about whether twenty-something girls are having last month's "Girl's Night Out" mistake shop-vacced out of their loins, you might not be stuck driving a 1994 Toyota Sienna with a donut spare. And while you're rethinking your habits, GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE.
4. Pro-Abortion stickers. You're as bad as your arch nemises, except that your continual worrying has left your Democratic ass puttering along in a Subaru that lays a cloud of blue smoke that could mask a small armored division, and working at Starbucks under the delusion that measuring a scoop of beans makes you a barista. See above.
5. Kerry/Edwards, Gore/Lieberman, or Dole Kemp stickers. Get over it. Seriously, just get over it. No one gives you credit for backing the loser. Your vain attempt to garner some credit by pointing out that you didn't support whoever was in power when that-one-really-bad-thing-that-resulted-from-a-confluence-of-complex-factors-beyond-your-understanding-that-you-totally-blamed-on-the-President happened makes you either 1.) crazy or 2.) my grandmother. Give it up.
6. Anti-war stickers. Welp, you got me. I don't know what to say now. I was a real war hawk, a slit-their-throats Pro-War neocon with a thirst for blood and the disembodied fetuses of Arab enemies. But your sticker...it was so poignant. "No blood for oil." I'm speechless. My entire world view has been turned on it's head. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy a tank of our spoils. Could you lend me $100? This stuff is as expensive as that weed in your cupholder.
7. Jegs/Summit sticker. Ok brah, it's a CATALOG. It doesn't make your V6 Camaro any faster. Why sully your car with a sticky ad for a parts catalog? Because you had the privilege of giving them lots of your hard-earned money? If that's the case, my wife's car needs a Payless Shoes sticker on every window.
8. A giant logo of your car brand on the rear window. Self-explanatory. As though anyone was under the impression that your Civic was made by BMW. Why don't you tattoo your employer on your forehead, in case people at work wonder where you work.
9. Calvin pissing on anything. If you have one of these, you can neither read nor understand this, so I'll save my breath. Please remove it or drive into a tree. If your Calvin is pissing on a rival car brand, you are a double-violator and should drive into two trees or one train.
10. Ribbons. Enough with the damn ribbons. I'm a "troop" and I'm tired of ribbons. The yellow ones were bad enough. Then came all the stupid other ones. Autism. Breast cancer. Firefighters. March of Dimes. Aids. Heart Attacks. Old people. Democrats. Everyone and everything has a ribbon. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against the underlying causes. I hate this belief in magnetic activism. If you want to support troops, get in touch with the USO. Or send care packages. Or volunteer at a military base. Want to help with autism? Volunteer. Donate. Lobby for autism research. Help your neighbors with autistic children. Want to fight cancer? Go get everyone in your family over the age of 50 to get a colo-rectal cancer screening. Do some ribbon owners do this? Sure. But most just own ribbons. Because it's easy.
If this offended you, I apologize......................................... .......for the fact that you festooned your car like a dumbass.